United Scarelines
Circumstances put me on United Scarelines this weekend. United is the airline of last resort for us, thanks to the many wonderful customer service experiences we have had with them on the phone, on the ground and in the air, one of which was so delightful that we were forced to file an offical complaint after United blew off our concerns about a senior purser whom we judged to be abusive and incompetent, and a danger to life and limb. The United States Department of Transportation agreed with us and ordered a “retraining” of the purser. That was more than 2 years ago and we have still gotten not so much as an explanation, let alone an apology from United Airlines. The bottom line is that I know better than to fly United, which makes this whole article probably my fault.
I am a life-long, very seasoned, air travel passenger. You all know that when I broadcast my program live from Iraq that we landed in a C-130, under enemy fire. And that was after a serious E-Ticket Ride in - above man-portable then corkscrew in. This was eclisped only by our 50-100 feet “off the deck”, roller coaster C-130 flight out. Not to mention that as a casual, weekend pilot of small aircraft I have seen and heard (on the Air Traffic Control radio) things that would excuse anybody for becoming a devoted pedestrian. My point is; that there is not a whole heck of a lot that an airplane can do, or have done to it, that can alarm me. My favorite part of learning to fly was configuring the aircraft to crash (stall, engine-out, etc…) and then recover. So you can take it to the bank when I say that after this day with United, I swear to God that I truly believe that I am damn lucky to be alive to write this.
The aircraft were fine - old, worn and crappy, but not un-airworthy and a ballsy flight deck crew with the skill to back it up got me to where I was going. Nothing about the weather either, other than it sparked a cascading series of actions by United Airlines management that, in my opinion, endangered the lives of at least me and the souls on a B737-500 with me, but also many others as well.
Some numbnuts in a suit at UAL thought it would be a really nifty idea to cancel the early Sunday flights - the ones that would reach their destinations before a predicted major winter system struck the Midwest and Northeast - and re-book everybody onto flights that would fly directly into the worst of the storm… those that ever actually got off the ground that is. I was listening to Air Traffic Control (ATC) on our way into Albany (NY) - 9 hours past my scheduled arrival time - and I clearly heard the reports about the landing conditions - “not good” would be a fair way to prharse it. I also heard the captain come on the public address system and tell us passengers a little white lie about what ATC told him, “good” was the word he used in fact…. ain’t nobody on the radio that I heard that said the word “good“, or even close to it. It was a coin toss; divert or go for it and hope for the best… or to paraphrase the nervous captain in his cabin announcement; no problem.
The boys up front tossed that coin, and luckily for us and hopefully not to their surprise they had the coin to back their bet. At the same time the Albany Airport people lived up to their reputation as one of the best impossible weather airports in the region, and we landed in a huge blasting cloud of freezing rain and jet engine blown sleet, along with wet and dry deicing chemicals. Just a little further west, Syracuse, a Jet Blue flight crew did not have the coin.. or maybe just the luck, and they skidded off the runway. No injuries, just a lot of shaken nerves. I will admit that after a full day as a hostage of United Airlines I was with the crew in their desire to not divert and was contemplating which experience is worse: flying on United alone or flying on United with al Qaeda. Like our crew’s decision to land, that question too is a coin toss. The airline mandated that if our flight diverted that it must divert to Washington Dulles… hundreds of miles away and where the equipment would be most conveniently positioned for the airline, we passengers were in the clutches of United Airlines and thus of no consequence.
I bow to the Chicago-based 4 & 3 stripe men up front for their nerve, experience and judgement in making the call….along with a very experienced ALB local controller who knew the conditions, the airport and the aircraft capability and to whom I listened work closely with our crew to bring us in and assure our crew that all of the snow removal vehicles were off the runway and advise on how to brake (as in “stop”) - information that came to them via a ‘37 that touched down not long before we. I was a situation where we probably should have diverted - as did several flights ahead of us but I take it as an article of faith that the stripes on those guys’ arms up front are earned, and that they would no more endanger their aircraft and lives than I would, flying my little leased 172 out of Lincoln, California. Nonetheless, I gave my seatbelt an extra tug as Albany has precious little room for a “touch and go” for a 737 in those conditions, you’re pretty much committed when you’re wheels down. At that point your only viable options are stopping the aircraft, or involuntarily joining the patrons at the Albany landmark Desmond Hotel bar - directly across the airport access road at the end of One-Niner. I’m no expert but I figure the third option to be impacting across the Northway (I-87) just short of the Holiday Inn on Wolf Road.
However, on the ground in Chicago, UAL employees demonstrated yet again, and in spades, that the only effective way to address a problem with the airline or its people, and solve it; is to be aggressive, rude and by all means angry toward them … and that is just to get their attention that a problem needs to be addressed and includes the ones (UAL employees) in India.
In my efforts to assist an elderly Asian Lady with limited English skills I had opportunity to deal with United’s 800 telephone number…. 14 times in fact, each call to India (not on purpose) and each call to progressively less helpful people…. and a repeated statement from them that United Airlines “has no telephone numbers in the United States”. The lady had been abandoned by the airline in the middle of a cross country flight to what we were able to find out was an older sister’s deathbed in Norfolk, VA. It was at this point that I had the wonderful fortune to have chance upon us a senior UAL employee who stepped in and helped me help the lady and we got the nice lady taken care of… it took over an hour and my throwing the airline’s entire customer abuse system into a fit because I offered to cover any costs involved in getting the lady to where she needed to be. I made it a point to get the that UAL agents’s name and will be happily composing a letter to corporate praising her, although I fear that assisting a customer in true need rather than seeing that need as low-hanging fruit for easy abuse of the little Asian Lady may be cause for termination of that UAL agent’s employment.
Later we can talk about what I paid for (the nickel and dime upgrade crap that has replaced realistic ticket prices) versus what they tried to give me, and the additional hour and change of my having to raise holy Hell via telephone to New Delhi, and intimidate the snot out of already stressed UAL gate agents to get them to even give me the seat for which I paid a premium to “guarantee” (a word that means… if you are persistent, rude and have a press pass - not to mention an audio recorder and radio station on which to play that audio you will get your problem addressed to your satisfaction)
United Airlines I believe tried, through shear incompetence of MBA morons, to kill an awful lot of people.
Note from Mark: I have this book in my collection and have interviewed the author extensively over the years, I HIGHLY recomend that you read this book before venturing anywhere near a United Airlines Flight. Just the same we will not avoid getting where we need to be if United is the only option … I have that much faith in the flight crews and ATC, both of whom I hold in the highest regard - ”awe” would be a good word (a reverence not shared by Holly), with the one extraordinary exception (the purser) but we exhaust all other reasonable options before using United.